Written by Hirofumi Tokumiya
- Japanese
- currently living in Tokyo, Japan
The other day, my cousin held a wedding ceremony. Although I hate all ceremonial things, I didnʼt decline the invitation because I had never attended wedding ceremony and thought it is a good experience. Good experience, however, doesnʼt mean being able to escape from feeling disgusting.
The bride is the daughter of the older brother of my father, and these two families and my grandparents attended as the brideʼs relatives. There are many who have acquired Japanese citizenship, but all members of this clan are biologically Chinese. My parents and uncle came to Japan in their schooldays and got to work in Japan, but because today my father and uncle are working in China, so many, including my grandparents, came from China to attend the wedding
ceremony.
My uncle has only three daughters, so Iʼm choshi (this concept means the eldest son who has the right and responsibility to succeed to the clan) in this clan. Therefore, (one of the biggest problem is why there is “therefore”) I think my grandparents sometimes treat me special. So, although I can accept they make a fool of my brother and cousins when they praise me for my grade, in advance I had thought if I had been said certain words, I would knock them down, and, in fact, those words were said (but I didnʼt knock them down). Those words are “Do you have any girlfriend?” and “Can you show me my grandsonʼs face quickly too?” If I could say “Iʼm studying to reject your emotion”... In the after-wedding reception, my drunken uncle was overwhelmed with emotions and said in speech “My daughter said she wanted two children before, but I want three or more and more” and so on.
Disgusting. On the one hand, the cause can be said, I think men and women should be treated equally, the official government shouldnʼt give a financial and institutional privilege to particular forms of personal relationship like marriage and having child should be decided by pure free will of parents.
But, on the other hand, I know I can think just like this. I know that I can explain it as that they canʼt wipe out the influence of the Chinese Confucianism (what did they learn from CPC?), they function as the device of the system which binds employees with the company by forcing them to have family in Japanese business culture and so on, and I know I just can give up and accept it.
Even so, I feel they expect me to do something. What do they still want stranger to do? When I passed the university entrance exam, in the place where is irrelevant to me, did they feel nice enough? Why must they bind family with their self-realization?
― Please be cool. You surely donʼt expect anyone to do anything, but you are always expected by everyone besides your family. Nonetheless you donʼt always get angry like now.
― Yes, thatʼs right. If one of the nameless people expects me to do something, I can neglect it entirely. But my family has a compelling force. It is not binding force of economy; if economic support was cut off, I think, I could wrap up my research of philosophy briefly and earn money. Living apart from me, my father may think he has the right to instruct me, but it isnʼt my point. Having managed with me for over twenty years, she may understand me and maybe doesnʼt expect me anything truly, but it isnʼt a kind of solution. As long as my parent is my parent, I canʼt erase that expectation from her sight.
So, I canʼt coexist with my family.
（Hirofumi Tokumiya / 徳宮博文）
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